Chapter Four
Feeling the bright light from a new day blasting me in the face, I slowly opened my eyes long enough to see the empty space in the bed next to me. I rolled over to get a little further away from the light so I could sleep longer. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how disappointed I was to once again wake up alone. When I went to sleep he was there and now he is gone. He always does this, we make mad passionate love all night and he is never there when I wake up in the morning. I will have to ask him about it later, more importantly is the shower I desperately need to wash away last night’s fun. I quickly got up forgetting the serious pain from my car accident, hobbled to the bathroom and started the shower. It must have been an hour because the water started to run cold, so I quickly rinsed and got out of the shower. When I got dressed I suddenly realized that I no longer felt alone and cautiously went downstairs and entered my living room. The TV was on and Michael had made me breakfast. There are flowers everywhere he must have purchased all the red roses in the city because the entire house smelled amazing. Michael was not paying attention that I was standing there he appeared to be lost in thought. Slowly I walked over to the couch and kissed his neck. He suddenly grabbed me pulling me over the back of the couch and onto his lap kissing me gently. “Where were you?” I asked with a pout on my lips. “I woke up and you were gone, I hate it when you do that to me.” Once gain putting as much pout in my lips a possible “We’ll if you haven’t noticed I redecorated and made you breakfast,” he said. “I see that, completely un-necessary, but thank you, I love it,” I said kissing him lightly. “You were sleeping so peacefully I did not want to wake you, so I got up and went shopping. When I got back you were in the shower. Sorry your food is cold I planned for it to be done when you got out of the shower but didn’t expect you to be in there for so long,” he said. “Sorry, I thought you went home or to work, I didn’t expect you to be here,” I said. “I told you that I was taking time off to make sure you were ok after your car accident, I said I was never leaving you alone again,” he said sounding slightly annoyed. “Well then, what do you want to do today, besides watch TV or talk about my car accident?” I said as I climbed in a bar stool. Silence followed with the exception of the sound of me in-hailing my breakfast. I was surprised, it is amazing I had know idea what a great cook Michael is, I wonder if it is takeout I thought to myself as I looked around for takeout containers. “No, its not takeout, I made it from scratch,” said Michael from the other room. “How do you always do that? I swear you are a mind reader,” I yelled back from the kitchen. “Not likely, I’m just observant,” he said sounding amused. Laughing I walked over to the couch and kissed him thank you. “Michael, I want to ask you a couple of questions but I don’t want you to get mad at me or cause a fight, I love having you here all to myself and I don’t want you to leave,” I said unsure of what his reaction will be. “Ask away,” he said. “Why do you always leave me when you spend the night? Every time you spend the night at my place I wake up and you are gone, it makes me feel like you don’t want to, no never mind, this is silly,” I said feeling a little immature. “I already told you where I was this morning and why I didn’t wake you, why are you being so paranoid?” asked Michael. “It’s just can’t shake the feeling that you are going to leave me. Everyone I love eventually leaves me and I can’t help but feel this way,” I said. “Susan, I will be here as long as you want me here,” he said. “If you haven’t noticed I have trust issues,” I said. “I have always noticed that,” he said sounding playful yet considerate. “Let me ask you something, why don’t you trust anyone? I have never done anything for you not to trust me yet you never completely show me all of you. You always hold back your true feelings,” he said with complete frustration written all over his face. “It’s not like you are that open either,” I said feeling under attack. “I answer everything you ask of me truthfully and leave nothing out,” said Michael. “That’s not completely true, I asked you what you were drinking last night and you deflected my question, in fact, every time I ask you about your past you always deflect my questions. And you wonder why I have trust issues, I will be as honest and open with you as you are to me, it is only fair,” I said. “Your trust issues have nothing to do with me,” said Michael. “See what I mean I am trying to get to know you in another way besides in the bedroom and you deflect my every attempt. You, Michael are the one with the trust issues. I am not saying that you are not completely correct in your assessment of me and when I feel more comfortable about sharing the things in my closet with you I will, but I have to feel that you have every intention of being completely honest with me. Michael I hope you know that you could tell me anything and I would never judge you for it, when I give my heart to someone I give my whole heart, and you have my whole heart. Michael I love you with all of my heart and that is something I have never said to any other man I have been with in my life,” I said with tears flowing down my cheeks. Michael got up from the couch kissed me on the top of my head, grabbed his car keys and left. I can’t believe he just walked out on me. Here I am pouring my heart out to him and he leaves, I can’t believe he left. This is why I don’t trust men, when the going gets tough they get gone. Then I rolled into a ball and cried. For a very long time I replayed everything I said and everything he said trying to figure out where I went wrong. I just don’t understand. Why doesn’t Michael open up to me? He has never shared one story about his personal life with me the entire time we have been together. He will talk about work, school or even his friends but when it comes to anything personal about him he is a closed book. It is never going to work between us if he can’t trust me enough to open up some. I don’t expect this to happen overnight but at some point he has to share something with me and stop all these half truths. I want to be with him in everyway, he knows that, at least I think he does, yet he pushes me away and when I call him on it he bolts. Why does everything in life have to be so tough? As a child everything should be all fun and no responsibility, yet I never got that luxury, is it too much to have some happiness in my life? Is it too much to have a relationship that doesn’t end before it begins? Is it too much to have someone in my life that doesn’t just up and leave me? Why can’t I have a normal life, nothing is ever normal in my life. I finally cried myself to sleep and once again the dreams came. This dream begins when I was ten or so at a child’s birthday party. The party was at the local park not far from our home, we used to go here almost every day and walk as a family. I forgot how much I miss those simple times. My dad and step mom were there along with about twenty other children and their parents. There were balloons everywhere and even a clown which scared the crap out of me. I always felt out of place at functions like these so I wondered off alone into the parks forest area and got lost. I was so scared. Why had I not stayed with the other children? After wandering around for several minutes I sat on the ground and cried. I was lost and no one was ever going to find me. Then like god was answering my prayers this his lady found me and asked if I needed help to find my parents. I was crying and shook my head yes. She lead me out of the forest and back to the park. Soon she was leading me back to my parents where the rest of the other party guests were. No one even noticed I was gone. Before my dad could say another word to the parent he was talking to he noticed me walking back from the forest and instantly looked freaked out. The lady told him she found me lost in the forest. He hugged me and I could feel the tension in his body as he told me to go play with the other children. I turned to leave and watched my dad walk off with the lady that saved me and soon they were yelling at each other and she stormed away. In my short life I don’t think I have ever seen my dad so freaked out and angry. After regaining his composure my dad said we needed to leave and told me gather my things and say goodbye. Why would he be so angry at that lady who helped me when I was so scared and lost? Why do I keep having these visions? Why do I keep reliving moments in my life I never knew even existed? I have so many questions I need answers to but how would I get answers when my dad is dead? How will I move forward knowing my childhood was nothing but lies?
When I woke up it must have after . Michael was sitting on the couch next to me stroking my hair. I smiled and reached for him, but he pulled away and stiffened. I sat up and shook my head. “You’re dumping me, I finally open my heart to you and now you’re dumping me. I can’t believe this,” I said with tears once again running down my face. I pushed him and hit him in his chest as he put his arms around me and held me tight but still saying nothing. I could see the pain in his face but still he said nothing. “Why are you doing this? I don’t understand why you are doing this, what did I do wrong?” I asked crying. I relaxed into his chest thinking this could be the last time I would feel him comfort me. “I never said I was breaking up with you, why do you always assume the worst regarding me, this is why I feel I can’t tell you everything about me. Can’t you see, I love you so much, I don’t want to hurt you and if I tell you everything you will not love me anymore? I know this,” he exclaimed. Michael’s face showed the fear he was feeling and it broke my heart. Why is he so tortured? “Michael how can you have so much love for me yet you have no faith in me? You always say I have no faith in you but it’s you who are breaking my heart,” I said crying as though my world is coming to an end. I took a deep breath taking in his beautiful fragrance. “Michael, please just tell me you’re not going to walk away from us? Please tell me you will stay and work through this? Please don’t give up on me I can’t bare it” I said still crying. “Susan, I am never going to walk away from what we have, you are all I have.” Michael paused for a moment and got up from the couch to get a little distance from me. “When I was twenty, I was married to my high school sweat heart. We were impulsive and pregnant. I had just finished college, and was starting law school. I was happy, in love and waiting to become a father. I thought I could never be any happier than I was at that moment. Soon Kathy had our son we named him Evan, and he was perfect and healthy. Everything was going well I was doing great in school and working as a clerk to provide for my new family, but Kathy was not happy. She was tired of being with me and started to withdrawal from our relationship. I started to make sure we had more time together in the hopes that we could rekindle what brought us together in the first place. For awhile she started to smile again and was actually talking more about our future. Feeling good that we were working together to have a future I had to continue my grueling schedule. One night while I was working, I received a call from Kathy saying that there was nothing she could do to convince herself that we would work out. I kept telling her that I loved her and would do anything to make her happy. She said the only thing that would make her happy was to have never had met me, she even said she wished she would have never had Evan, she said she loved him but it was not enough to take her out of this darkness. I did not know what to say to that, the only thing I loved more than Kathy was Evan. He was perfect and a pure joy. How could she say such a thing about him? He was amazing, he touched the souls of everyone who met him and destroyed the souls of everyone who lost him. Evan was two years old when he died and not a moment goes by in a day that I don’t think about him. I loved him more than my own life. I would have given my life at that moment to save his. I sat on the phone for a moment quiet trying to process everything she just said to me when I realized what she was doing. She was going to kill our child and end her own life. What kind of monster could kill their own child let alone kill any child? How could she hate me so much to hurt me this way? I asked her to please not hurt Evan, she said I am sorry but you are too late he went to sleep tonight and will never wake up, he is an abomination. I was shocked who was this woman and what was I going to do. I walked out of my office and grabbed a piece of paper writing on it call 911 and send them to my house, my wife said she was killing my child hurry please then I handed it to the receptionist. I tried to keep Kathy on the phone with me as long as possible, just hoping the police and ambulance would get there in time to save them but I started to hear her slur her words. I knew she took something, but what worried me most were the noises in the back ground it sounded like a campfire. I was crying at this point. I told her to hold on and I would come home to her and make everything ok, I would get her some help. She told me I was too late and there was no helping her and then she hung up. I did not know what I was going to come home to but I knew I needed to get the hell out of there if I was going to save Evan. The drive home was torment. I kept playing through my head every time she was sad, any comments she made, could I have prevented this outcome? I was dieing inside trying to get to them. They were everything to me. The reason I work so hard is so that they will have the life I never did. That drive was the longest drive I have ever taken in my life. But when I pulled into my neighborhood everything suddenly went in slow motion. There were fire trucks and ambulances everywhere and the police were stationed at the entrance of my housing development. They stopped my car the second I got close. I screamed at them to let me through. I pulled my car over as they instructed me but the second they turned there heads I ran. I have never run so fast in my life. They chased me but could not even come close. Suddenly I was standing in front of my home and it was destroyed. The firefighters were walking through the rubble putting out hot spots so they would not reignite and harm anyone else. I dropped to my knees and cried right there in the middle of all the police and firefighters. I knew right then and there that my family was dead. My beautiful wife, my best friend, my lover killed our son and then committed suicide. I have never felt pain like that before in my life. I looked over and there were two body bags one was tall the other was short. I couldn’t even go to them. I could not remember them looking that way. They were burnt beyond recognition. Kathy had to be identified through dental records and Evan had to identified, using my DNA. I thought I was going to die right there from the grief I felt. It took over a week to have the bodies released so I could bury them. I had a private funeral for both of them together. I was so devastated still devastated. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t replay every memory of my son. He was the light of every day. The loss of him has forever changed me. My grief turned to hate for Kathy. I planned to have her casket moved someplace far away from Evan, but I knew she loved him and that she must have been very sick in order to overdose him on cough syrup and then take her own life. This was a very dark time for me. I buried myself in school and quit my job. I moved to an apartment because my home and all my memories were gone in the flames of that night. I have nothing of him no pictures nothing, she took everything from me. For a long time I felt that I would never forgive her but that was making me sick. I was drinking my self into oblivion every day. I almost took my own life several times the grief was so overwhelming. How could I have allowed my son to be killed I was a failure. I failed to protect him I failed to make her happy. I failed as a husband. I failed in everything that mattered. Susan, I have never told anyone about this ever. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and look at me the way you are looking at me now. Then everything changed the day you ran into me at the bookstore coffee shop when you were finishing your law degree. I was there meeting some possible candidates for an internship at my law firm. You probably don’t even remember that day. You had your hands full of books and were in a hurry and weren’t paying attention to where you were walking then smashed right into me. The books you were holding went flying and I helped you pick them up. Feeling a strong connection to you, I followed you back to your dorm without you even noticing. Asking the others in the dorm if they new your name, but no one would give me any information about you so I came back every time I was in the area until someone finally gave me your name. From that point on I knew I had to know you and finally after two years we officially met. Finally I felt like maybe I had a chance again of being happy. I new at that moment we would be in each others life one way or another. It all depended on you, whether you would say yes to my date invitation or turn me away. But for some reason you took pity on me and agreed to our first date. As you know we have now been together for two years now. So for four years I have loved you and have finally stopped grieving my wife and child. Finally I feel like I am going to have a second chance at a life, a life with you. So when you tell me you can’t take losing me I ask you to understand, I can’t loose you, you are all I have that makes me feel like I want to live and feel like I will have a future. I will never walk away from you. I will never live in a world that does not have you by my side, in my bed and apart of my future,” said Michael. All I could do is take him in my arms and hold him, hold him like there was never going to be another chance like this. I love this man, he has captured my soul and I know I will love him until my last breath. “Michael, thank you for trusting me with this, I don’t feel pity for you. I only wish I could have been there for you when you needed me the most. Thank you for trusting me with a part of your past that was so horrible that it has forever changed you. I will never let you down and I will never give up on our love. I only hope that you can continue to feel that way for me and that we will also have a future,” I said still crying. Michael hugged me and kissed me so tenderly I felt as though our souls were connected. I led him to my room so we could get some sleep. We walked into my bedroom and I started to undress him. The man I love is so emotionally spent I know he needs me to take care of him. So I pulled the covers back on the bed. Once he was naked and in bed I tucked him in like a child then I climbed in bed next to him. Michael turned to face me with tears streaming down his cheeks. I wish there was something I could do to take away his pain. Our bodies instinctively scooted over until we were intertwined and kissing. Once again it was a tender and loving kiss but quickly became very passionate as he pressed his naked body against mine. As he began to litter my entire body with kisses he whispered how much he loved me over and over again in my ear. Michael was moving his hands all over my body tantalizing my every nerve ending. Knowing my body so well he rolled on top of me and our bodies were connected as one. Our eyes locked as we made love. Our bodies as one, our souls as one, everything as it should be. Sharing our bodies with each other is always amazing but this was unlike any other incident of love making, this was powerful. Our bodies were on fire and felt as though we were glowing. The pleasure of our love making climaxed then we collapsed in each others arms. We lay together with our bodies still connected and held each other for a long time feeling the love and happiness we shared then finally falling into a blissful sleep.
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