As I woke up everything started to come into focus I turned my head and there was Michael sitting there in the chair resting his head on my bed sleeping. He was even holding my hand. Not knowing how long I have been asleep or what time it was. I took my free hand and ran my fingers through his hair. Michael started to stir and with a smile on his face, he looked at me and said, “Hi, sleepy head, your awake, I was so worried about you, your car was totaled, and you were unconscious! How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Do you want me to get the nurse?” “No, I think I just want to go home, and rest,” I said. “You can’t! The doctor said you have a head injury and need to be observed over night, I will not allow anything further happen to you, you mean too much to me,” exclaimed Michael. “Can you be the one to observe me? I would much rather have you as my nurse,” I said giving him the most charming smile possible. “I am sorry but I have no training to help you if something bad were to happen,” said Michael. “Please, I am begging you I hate hospitals, they remind me of death and sick people dieing of horrible diseases like cancer. Plus everything bad always happens at hospitals you go to the hospital to have minor surgery and wake up missing a leg. I hate the smell of hospitals, it reminds me of past memories of hospitals and I can’t handle being here! If you don’t want to watch over me I will just check myself out against medical advice and go home having no one check over me that way if I have some sort of reaction there will be no one there to help me,” I said doing my best to make him feel guilty. “You can’t do that, I will not allow it,” said Michael. “You have no say in what I choose to do, we aren’t married nor do you own me,” I said throwing a jab at Michael. “Are you kidding me? Why are you being so difficult? I need to know you are safe and out of danger. Why can’t you understand that staying overnight at the hospital is the safest place for you under these circumstances,” he said. “Michael, I feel fine, I am a little sore but nothing is wrong with me! Please Michael you don’t understand how bad this is for me, please get me out of here, I don’t want to have to go home alone. I would much rather be with you and have you take care of me, you know there is nothing really wrong with me,” I said begging him. While I was waiting for Michael to respond I thought about another childhood memory this time it wasn’t like before at the office, this was one I dreamt about quite often. When I was little my step mother had cancer. We spent months in the hospital while she received cancer treatments. I hated this place, the smells and sick people everywhere affected me. I could feel the pain everyone felt. It was extremely overwhelming and scary as a child. I realize I am no longer a child but those feelings never go away they haunt you like a bad dream you wake from and can’t quite shake. Before I could continue to protest Michael caved in saying, “Fine, I will take you to my place, but if you even act funny at all I am taking you back to the hospital, are we clear?” Smiling, I shook my head in agreement because I knew I had won this discussion.
Michael checked me out of the hospital as I requested and took me to his place. On the way there we stopped at the pharmacy and picked up some pills and ice cream. He is being so quiet and uptight I could not stand it. I feel like a burden, maybe I should call a cab when he falls asleep. As soon as we got to his house I went straight to Michael’s bed where he waited on me hand and foot. I love that he is so tender and caring, but hate feeling this way. I have always been very independent even as a child I never needed much. Soon Michael joined me in bed and just held on to me as if I was going to disappear. I looked at Michael and said “What gives? I am fine and you are acting like I am going to vanish.” “Susan, I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you, EVER.” “I appreciate your caring for me, but I am not breakable,” I said trying to sound like I meant it. “Define breakable? Because from where I sit you look incredibly breakable, you are bruised head to toe and your face is burned from the air bag. Also you are excused from work for the next week,” he said with conviction. “I can’t, I just started and I have an appointment with a pro-bono case tomorrow at , I can’t miss it this lady really needs my help!” “Susan, you are in no condition to see clients, and tomorrow when you wake up you will feel even worse, I will have Jarred reschedule your day and mine. This way I can be with you until you are well.” “I will be fine tomorrow and don’t you think it will look funny if you and I both miss the same days, I don’t want everyone to think I got this job because I am sleeping with you,” I responded sounding incredibly mean. “I don’t care what people think of us, I want everyone to know about us, for some reason you don’t and it’s very frustrating,” he said while resting his face in his hands. “I want people to know I am a talented lawyer not think of me as a whore who fucks the boss to get a job,” as I said it I immediately wanted to take it back. “Susan, I can’t believe you just said that.” Michael promptly got up and walked out of the bedroom slamming the door. I got up from the bed, got dressed and started to leave, but made it as far as the door before I collapsed.
Once again, I woke up in the hospital. Michael was there, except instead of sleeping he was pacing my room and very mad. Looking at him I asked him to lay with me. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you so mad at me?” I asked, knowing well what he was mad about. “You were going to sneak out of my house,” he said. “Yes” I responded “Why would you be so careless?” exclaimed Michael with the most tortured look on his face that it broke my heart. “I am sorry, you were so mad I didn’t want to be more of a burden for you.” “Stop this you act like no one should care about you. Why do you constantly question my feelings for you? I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!” “Michael, please calm down and lay with me, I am sorry, and I do love you too,” I said trying to reassure him. Suddenly he came over to me and climbed in my hospital bed. The he kissed me tenderly taking care of my sore body and face. This was the first time either of us ever said our feelings out loud, I kind of new this was the truth but never thought things would be this way with us. My accident sure shook him up. I hope it didn’t make him feel like he had to say that, just because he was scared. God I wish I could just stop thinking sometimes and just feel what I want to feel. But my stupid mind will never shut up. I pulled away from Michael and told him once again that I loved him and I wanted him to go home and get some rest. He refused of course, knowing I would leave as soon as he did. Soon my body relaxed and I gave in to the power of him. Having all these crazy feelings that I can’t seem to control is so very confusing and scary. I can’t seem to control anything when it comes to Michael. In all my life I have never actually told any man I have been with that I loved them and I am certain that I have never felt like this with anyone else. I love this man he is all I think about, he is my obsession. Shortly after exhaustion from the days events took over and I fell asleep. I dreamt about that same vision I had of my childhood. It played the whole scene over again. Only this time it was from my dad’s point of view. He was scared for me, like my mom was dangerous. Before he died he never would talk about the past, but I always felt as though there was something he was hiding from me. Looking into my past is sure to lead to heart ache if I start digging up a dead mans secrets. I think for now I will just focus on my career and Michael with any luck the rest will fall into place.
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